That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Brick Phone" bullshit that's going on in the interwebs right now. Nokia 3310s deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Nokia in Finland for 1,024 Markka (that's about €165) and have been practicing with it for almost 16 years now. I can even smash slabs of Gameboys with my Nokia.
Finnish polymersmiths spend years working on a single Nokia and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest phones known to mankind.
Nokias are ten times more durable than smartphones and the battery lasts ten times as long for that matter too. Anything a phone is supposed to do, a Nokia can do TOO while doubling as an excellent self defense weapon and door-breaching tool. I'm pretty sure a Nokia could easily crack a man's skull with a simple downward swing.
Ever wonder why Apple couldn't sell nothing for shit back then? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Finns and their Ilmarinen-inspired tools of mass destruction. Even in 2000, Nokias drove Ericsson so out of business, they were forced to merge with Sony by the next year.
So what am I saying? Nokia 3310s are simply the best phone that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 Modern system. Here is the stat block I propose for Nokias:
(One-Handed Improvised Weapon)
6d8 Force Damage
16-20 x6 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork
Counts as Riverine (as indestructible as a Wall of Force)
(One-Handed Improvised Weapon, Thrown)
6d4 Force Damage
18-20 x4 Crit
+3 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork
Counts as Riverine (as indestructible as a Wall of Force)
Now that seems a lot more representative of the sheer durability of Nokias in real life, don't you think?
tl;dr = Nokias are underrated, see my new stat block. Also, soittakaa Paranoid.
Leave a comment